This morning I felt caught in the claws of an irrational fear. Irrational because I wasn’t quite sure what I was so afraid of. When I thought about it, it came to me that this fear might have had to do with the notion of ‘time slipping away’. I remember my dear mother telling me when I was in my early teens or so that time tends to go faster the older you get. I found it a rather peculiar statement at the time. I mean, time is time is time. Now, two decades and a bit later I realize my memories are accumulating -I probably disposed of a fair amount of them or altered them, I mean, life would probably be a far more painful experience if I didn’t- and my childhood and adolescent life seem to move further and further away like a ship leaving shore at a very slow speed. Time is not just what it is, it’s how we perceive it and what we make of it. Time becomes more precious because we think we’ve got less of it. But considering the average life span of a woman in the Western world and assuming I’m just another statistic I still got half a century to go. That’s a sh*t load amount of time I would say. So again, why the fear?
Perhaps it’s the notion that we’re already a week and a bit into the new year and all those delicious plans and goals I have seem to take more time than I calculated and expected. A lot more. And that freaks me out. Why? Why am I scared of not reaching goals I set myself? I can move the goal posts. Why am I scared of failing? I can try again. Maybe I am suffering from delusions of grandeur and I don’t want to discover that I’m actually not superwoman, that my parents are really my biological parents, that I am not adopted and actually a princess from a far away land taken away from my royal king-father and queen-mother.
To achieve and not be scared is a combination of pursuing and letting go. The question is: where is the balance? Where in this all will I trust time, trust myself, let go of my fears and know if I take one step at the time and keep on walking I’ll get there eventually. If I would go too fast I probably wouldn’t have time to enjoy the view. Now, that would be a real waste. Something to be very scared of indeed.